30 Days of Lockdown

30 days of lockdown

Two parents (Diana and Clare). Two kids under 4 (Bailey & Frankie).

One house in Berkeley during California’s shelter-in-place. No preschool.

Shit is about to get real.

Day 1

of preschool closure for 3yo.

  • One (very creative) paper mache solar system started but then ended after 15 mins with 3yo finding more fun in dripping flour glue onto the floor.
  • 8 week old so gassy she could float and I’m covered in bodily fluids of all kinds.
  • The couch now looks like an actual blueberry because someone (not naming names) thought that they looked better on the furniture than in her bowl.

Day 2

  • Stay at home parents are made of magical materials. They should be paid Billions.
  • Teachers are also made of magical materials and should be treated like royalty by all parents and paid Billions.
  • Three-year-olds have an attention span of 10-15 minutes so any project must be….oh never mind, we’ve moved on.
  • How can a small human be so obsessed with blankets? If I find one more on the floor I might actually explode.
  • It’s a very good job I’m breastfeeding, otherwise I may have already drunk every drop of wine in this house.
  • Praise be to Peleton.

Day 3

of school closures and day 3 of lockdown

  • We now love slugs. We’ve watched them for about 3 hours this week. Yay for trails!
  • I know the entire script and score to Frozen 2. So does Frankie, who is 8 weeks old. I’m convinced it’s causing her to stress eat, resulting in some epic cheeks for weeks.
  • Cooking for 4 straight days with such enthusiasm is making me delusional. Every day I’m more convinced I can take on master chef.
  • I haven’t seen the kitchen floor for about 72 hours. Meh.

Day 4

of no preschool and day 4 of lockdown. No idea what the actual day is…

  • Bailey announced that she was a “rock person” today. She told me this walking back from the park, trouserless.
  • I’m now seriously wondering if I’m a rock person. Must investigate.
  • Dianna is walking around the house (quite freely) singing everyone’s names to the frozen theme tune. I fear that she too has been cursed. Pray for her.

Day 5

of the lockdown. They tell me it’s the weekend……

  • Bailey informed us that we were “wearing [her] out” today. This was after 10 attempts to get her to clean her teeth. I mean honestly, I wear myself out sometimes.
  • Ever played human Mario Kart during a Global Pandemic? No? Well, let me tell ya. Come to my street, push a double stroller and try and 1) walk in a straight line without crashing and 2) avoid all transport that appears to be getting an extra 100 points for taking you out (sneaky devils trying to rebel and violate those social distancing laws) 3) Quickly swerve with vigor at the sight of any and all human beings. Fun times.
  • Frankie is now downing one boob of milk in approx 90 seconds. Happy to see her British side is going strong.

Day 6

of the lockdown…….sometime during the week

  • Bailey will now only be addressed as Princess Bailey of Pinkleton. When I asked if that makes me the Queen, all I got was a solid “No.”
  • Update: I’ve been upgraded to a fairy. However, I’m very suspicious. So far my job entails getting pillows, blankets, food, and dragons.
  • Simba (the cat) believes this lockdown is his moment to take us down, one step at a time. We can’t walk anywhere without walking on the ginger beast. We will name him, “killer cat carpet” moving forward.
  • After 4 days straight of Peloton biking, I’m ready for the pros. Clearly 👀👀👀

Day 7

of lockdown. It’s def Monday…

  • The house now looks like pre-school, except there is no order, absolute chaos and no professionals insight. All children and adults are covered in purple paint. It could be worse.
  • After this madness is over, I’m going to start petitioning toy companies to make play shoes more practical and less like they’ve walked out of….well, I’ll leave it to your imagination.

Day 8

of lockdown. Rainy rainy dayzzzz.

  • We visited the slugs today. Happy to report that sweetie 1, sweetie 2, and sweetie 3 are all going strong.
  • Whilst listening to “The Final Countdown” I read an article, written by a very educated person, basically saying that Gen X’ers would save the World. I’ve been saying it for years. This is our moment!
  • Hoping to wake up tomorrow with Big Bird running the country. The prospect of this is keeping my spirits high.

Day 9

I had to check what day it is before starting the post. Things are getting hazy…

  • I tried socially distancing myself from the household today. Failed. Bailey still believes the bathroom is where the PARTY IS AT! I fear for the teenage years.
  • I’m officially changing my name. I will no longer be “mummy.” It’s officially worn itself out. Moving forward you can just call me Alan.
  • Typing this is burning too many calories. I’m going to take a nap on what I believe to be the kitchen floor.

Day 10

I mean, is anyone actually tracking days now? Do we care?

  • Made bread. Now searching for a frilly pinny and ruffled hat. I am channeling my inner Beryl Patmore.
  • Frankie has taken to short, single pitch screams to get my attention. As this is the current communication method for everyone in this house, I can report that she’s learning fast. Could be a genius
  • After watching several (hundred) Disney movies this week, I’m inspired to write one. It’ll be true to the main themes such as death, abandonment, imprisonment and deep dark misery. Should be quite the hit….👀

Day 11

TGIF #amiright #notatall

  • In an act of rebellion, I refused to change my top today, despite the spit up etc etc (you don’t need the details). I now laugh in the face of my own self dignity.
  • All planets in the mobile solar system are painted. So is the table, floor, walls, and children.
  • I predict that it will take about 2 more weeks of isolation before I have to be rolled out the door like Violet Beauregarde.

Day 12

…..the crazy continues

  • I joined a “stay at home and cycle your butt off challenge.” I fear I may need a hip replacement. Tomorrow, my time may be better served doing something I’m good at (which is currently surviving on 2 hours of sleep and staring into the abyss).
  • Every character in paw patrol is now titled “of Arendelle” according to Bailey. I’m encouraging it. We need a fresh cast on Frozen to keep our spirits alive.
  • Yes. My brain cells have, yet again, halved.

Day 13

Pfffffthhhhh Marchy

  • I’ve been banned from singing. Why? Oh, well it may wake one of Bailey’s 10,000 stuffed toys/ dolls/toys that fell out of a Christmas cracker. The same does not apply when one is banging a loud drum next to (a sleeping) Frankie’s head 👀
  • We tried PE with Joe this morning. PE, in this case, stands for “painful experience.” Second hip replacement required (just send me to the wolves…)
  • Funny story – it’s apparently Monday tomorrow. EOM.

Day 14

Send wine

  • I’ve taken to hiding behind furniture to simply eat food without someone taking it off my plate. No, I don’t want to share. No, you can’t put me in a time out. PSA: when all of this is over, if anyone takes a crumb, I can’t be held responsible for the consequences….
  • Despite every effort to avoid it, I had to attend my 10,999th tea party today. Me, the creepy pink pig, the shiny wide eyed unicorn, a multi-colored bear that gives me a headache, and Elsa all had a simply splendid time.
  • It’s official. My 3-year-old is smarter than me.

Day 15

No dignity, no doubt (see what I did there?)

  • If Bailey isn’t running the country in 20 years, I’ll be shocked. I never knew one small human could be such an effective delegator. (I had to stop myself writing dictator because that would be…… she heard me typing, I have to RUN.)
  • I’m back. Def getting some great ideas for running interviews. 65 tasks in under a minute using only two hands, having had only 3 hours of sleep (I know, we’re doing well) and knowing exactly what the interviewer wants by only using mind control. I think it might catch on.
  • Frankie is now the poster child for the #lockdown15. I couldn’t be more proud

Day 16

Let it (me) be……purrllleeaase

  • I’ve run out of hiding places. This is a problem.
  • We’ve moved onto eating from the freezer. Now I know where all food we’ve EVER eaten and had a blob of leftovers (over the last 3 years) disappeared to… yet another thing we’re going to have to survive
  • If I step on one more calico critter accessory (which, by the way, are so freaking small, they should be illegal!) I might actually explode (or implode – whichever is cleaner). I am bruised and all out of expletives.

Day 17

👀 👀 👀

  • We’ve started to wave at passers by from the porch. A pleasant pastime. However, some folks have been alarmed by Bailey’s loud greetings, mistaking them for the starting signal of the “Purge.” Our smiles don’t seem to have helped.
  • Two new puppets entered our lives. They were named “Cat Nose” and “Cup Holder.” I have nothing else to share there…
  • The cat (killer cat carpet) is testing me. At approx 10 pm (dark and terrifying) he amuses himself by rubbing his muddy little paws on the outside windows and doors until one of us collapses in fear.

Day 18

  • 2020 household goals going well. Today we were fully clothed, fed and functional
  • I can officially announce that helicopter parenting is over. Puddle parenting is the bizAll art projects are evolving. Bailey started her own. We call it “painting the couch with a red sharpie in abstract.” Sensational.

Day 19

The lockdown lowdown….

  • The entire household has taken to singing their sentences. Nothing like a rendition of “mummmmmyyyy I need to pee” in the key of D
  • For the first time in about 25 years, I went on a “drive around” (on the hunt for milk and bread!) with my lockdown homies. To be clear, there was absolutely no stopping in the park for a drop of white lightning….No one needs to relive that little snippet of the 90’s.
  • Why are some days only 3 hours long? It’s no wonder we can’t get anything done

Day 20

Still here

  • Cleaning day. It was going well – Savage Garden and Whigfield were keeping it real. Then, the green tutu appeared and we suddenly had a new masterpiece on the bathroom floor. This time, “Pollock via purple nail polish” was created in all its glory. We now have an art gallery
  • I managed to meditate (hide) in the bath for a whole 10 minutes. I think my care bear stare worked
  • …………..

Day 21

This will forever be known as TP day…

  • I never ever thought this would be an update but you know, pandemic. Dianna actually found, sourced and had delivered, 6 whole rolls of TP. She is my hero and so must have a fitting superhero name – I present to you “TP Mama Lama.” This works fabulously with Frankie’s “The Pink Pineapple” and Bailey’s “The Green Tutu” – she can’t always be the princess from Pinkleton
  • No household artwork today (sorry to disappoint) but we did make up a song. It was called “the hedgehog in the corner living in a box in lemongrass.”

Day 22

I think it’s Tuesday?

  • If there’s one thing to come out of this SIP, it’s that I am now a certified expert in building sh*t. That basically means I can follow instruction manuals but damn, I’m doing it well 😇
  • After being persuaded to add a camera filter for zoom calls (you know who you are) I have now realized that it shows up on all video platforms. When I start back to work next week, there is a high likelihood that I will be that woman showing up as a potato as I have zero clue how to switch the damn thing off
  • 1 and 2 have worn me out

Day 23

Mental health day!

  • If there’s one thing to come out of this SIP, it’s that I am now a certified expert in building sh*t. That basically means I can follow instruction manuals but damn, I’m doing it well 😇
  • After being persuaded to add a camera filter for zoom calls (you know who you are) I have now realized that it shows up on all video platforms. When I start back to work next week, there is a high likelihood that I will be that woman showing up as a potato as I have zero clue how to switch the damn thing off.
  • 1 and 2 have worn me out.

Day 24

Pink and purple rain…

  • Pink and purple are now my favorite colors. I mean, they’re not but the house is so full of both that if I don’t pretend, I’ll cry. Oh my bleeding eyes
  • Does life outside this house exist? Asking for a friend……feeling philosophical….
  • Bailey loves “I like to move it move it” – so much that every time she hears it, she spontaneously raises the roof. Now we follow. So, we now have a family raising the roof moment every couple of hours. Try it. It’s a quite therapeutic.

Day 25

So… It’s Easter.

  • We have a friend (not naming names but I’m sure you’ll hear from her in the comments) who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to erect a 6ft carrot (yes, a carrot) in the front garden 👀
    A) A carrot??
    B ) Do we really need the house to be a 2020 interpretation of “the day of the triffids??”
  • Dianna has lost it again. Whilst reading a bedtime book, a rhinoceros became a “rhino saurus.” She didn’t even flinch.
  • Bailey called me a naughty little girl today. I feel quite proud of myself. Things are going downhill fast…

Day 26

Oh for the sweet sweet sound of some silence (10 seconds would be fine)

  • I need new eardrums. Mine are completely shot (caused by: screams, drums, symbols, yells). Please send via a very clean and virus free pigeon.
  • The carrot is still in its box. If that thing comes out I’m afraid I’ll be bribed to keep it alive for weeks. It might tip me over the lockdown edge.
  • I’ve almost finished reading a whole book. It’s taken weeks, hiding in the bath, 2am feedings but hot damn I feel like a reading quarantine queen!

Day 27

Apparently I failed to realize this was an actual day…….blurred lines folks, blurrreedddd lines

Day 28

It’s Monday – I looked it up but it’s true

  • Tonight, Bailey asked why we were animals. So Dianna and I started to go into mammal stuff. Seconds later I turn around and Bailey is literally licking her big toe. Our science lessons are clearly going swimmingly well.
  • I discovered the 63rd way to prepare a potato today. Quarantine wins.
  • I’m one step away (and one step further away than Dianna) from wearing a full on hazard suit when bringing in the mail. 2020 is certainly a hoot.

Day 29

Moody Tuesdays

  • My rank in this house has fallen to the lowest of low-town. I know this because earlier today when Dianna suggested making dinner, the following conversation followed:
    Dianna: “Bailey, I need to make dinner”
    Bailey: “No, she can do it” (pointing at me)
    Dianna: “Mummy’s making bread”
    Bailey: “She can make dinner after making bread”
    Guess who made dinner?! Yep. Me. I’m a slave to a 3-year-old.
  • I was handed a decapitated fairy today. When I asked for the rest of the body, I got shrugged shoulders.
  • I was also handed a slug. Luckily, the slug was living on a large piece of decorative rock, which I was also handed. Nothing like seeing pieces of your house slowly pile up in random places.

Day 30

The work begins

  • Started back to work today. I was only interrupted about 15 times. Only 5 sounded like the screams of a pack of 50 howling wolves.
  • Bailey told me that she loved me tonight. She had a very suspicious look on her face. The “I love you” was followed by “and I don’t need to pee…..”
  • Dianna has spent weeks trying to procure TP (as we now all know). She has made it such a hobby that she is now officially one of “those people.” I am not kidding when I say 80 rolls of TP showed up on our doorstep today. I’m sorry. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I will deny all knowledge and absolutely complain about TP hoarders years after this is over…..

About the Author

A California-based British transplant who is obsessed with crime drama, good meaty literature, and sarcastic comedy. Most days happily keeping half a household together with two littles and one wife during quarantine. I’m also learning to be a full time working adult and sub adequate educator of a toddler 👀👀

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