How to Prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Preparedness

Cemeteries are everywhere! Zombies are already in excellent strategic positions, so you should spend some time on your own strategy. Preparing will help you avoid the bitey cretins that cry out for your brains!

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Zombie Facts

Many experts agree (citation needed) that zombies will be blinded by vengeful rage when they return as undead hosts to the virus that will make you one of them.

Doctors and nurses will be the first to turn (since zombie symptoms will send sensible people to the hospital) and your government will abandon you as soon as possible.

Doing laundry during a zombie apocalypse is nearly impossible.

How to Prepare for a Zombie Horde

  • Create a zombie preparedness kit or purchase a prepackaged kit. Either way, make sure to maintain it.
  • Start pumping iron. Unless you’re already an elite athlete, you are not prepared for the non-stop exertion that escaping zombies will require.
  • Train yourself to view every item you see as a possible anti-zombie tool. Toilet paper? It’s a throwable flaming distraction. Dinner plate? It’s one smash away from being five ceramic shivs.
  • Practice quiet hobbies you can do in the dark, since hiding from zombies at night will limit your entertainment options.
  • Create an emergency communication plan to keep in touch and reunite with your family if you get separated.
  • Hold regular zombie drills involving the whole family. Don’t forget your pets!
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Determine Your Risk

Who’s most likely to have a zombie emergency?

Locate Nearby Graveyards

  • If you live within one mile of a resting place for the dead, you can expect the undead to reach you sooner than your neighbors.

Be Cautious Near Hospitals

  • Once your zombie outbreak reaches live humans, people who have been bitten will flood hospitals without a second thought. Don’t get caught up in the inevitable wave of fresh meat.
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What Not to Do During a Zombie Invasion

Here are some undead tips for you, if you’re better with “DON’Ts” than “DOs”

Don’t Lie

If you get bitten, you cannot hide it from your group. Respect the honor system. If you’d want them to tell you, you have to tell them.

Don’t Yell

Loud people are targets. Keep your conversations quiet and limit lights at night. You might as well be yelling, “Come and get me!”

Don’t Assume You’re Smarter than a Zombie

They have (hopefully) eaten a lot more brains than you. Ergo, they are probably smarter than you think.