If you haven’t already been petitioning your local government to begin monthly zombie drills, now is the time. It’s time to get prepared and take control of your future, which almost certainly contains an undead uprising.
Many experts agree (citation needed) that zombies will be blinded by vengeful rage when they return as undead hosts to the virus that will make you one of them. Act now to abate your sickening nightmares of rotten corpses decimating the human race. Eliminate kinemortophobia from your life.
Zombie preparedness is the key to your success. Confidence is a must during the heat of battle.
Flesh-eating corpses will roam the neighborhoods, cry out for your brains, and slap their bloody stumps against your windows, spreading putrid filth on your decorative shrubs. You’ll never be able to unsee it! But you’ll be sitting pretty with your Zombie Apocalypse Emergency Kit.
Get ready to fend for yourself! The doctors and nurses will be the first to turn (since zombie symptoms will send sensible people to the hospital) and your government will abandon you as soon as possible. The military might give it the old college try just for the fun of it, but who knows if their deadly joyrides through zombie encampments will assist you. It’s just you against the zombie virus: a lightning-fast epidemic transmitted from the undead to the not-yet-dead with just a little bite.
Don’t lose sleep over this inevitable catastrophe. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse and survive to tell the tale!