The Definitive A-to-Z Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse!
It’s just around the corner; I can feel it. But don’t fret! You can buy your way out of the zombies’ grasp. Gear up now so you can go HAM when the time comes.
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Ammunition. Full disclosure, we’re extremely in favor of limiting gun ownership to people who can prove they’ll only use them against zombies. That said, you’re going to want a gun to kill those zombies. And what’s a gun without a bullet? Always plan to carry extra ammunition for your weaponry in your fight against the walking dead. Keep out of reach of children.
Body armor. Can’t have your internal organs ripped out of you if they’re covered up with plates of steel. Good luck picking your broken teeth up off the sidewalk, you bloodthirsty demons!
Car. An armored car is an ideal way to get away from ground zero. Zip away from zombie trouble! If you can’t afford to zombie-proof your car, opt for a new air freshener to help cover up the smell of rotting flesh.
Drinks. If you’re accustomed to drinking alcohol, you will want a flask full of your fave. Winding down at night in your bombed out 7/11 will feel more like a nice evening at home if you have a little of the good stuff.
Energy. Fuel your body! Protein bars, chocolates, cereals, nuts, cheese, and canned fruits are some foods to stock up on to help you outlive the zombie apocalypse. Don’t purchase anything with brains as an ingredient, since it might attract more zombies.
First Aid Kit. Keep a first aid kit ready with antibiotics, pain killers, bandages, ointments, disinfectants, and sports tape. Play through the pain or the other team will win.
Gallons of drinking water. With all the dead bodies mucking up the fresh water sources, you’re not going to be able to drink tap water. Stick to the bottled stuff.
Helmets. Zombies eat brains! First rule of zombie fighting is to protect your noggin.
Isopropyl alcohol. It’s a twofer! You can use it to clean your friends’ wounds before you abandon them (they’re about to turn into zombies) AND use it to make molotov cocktails.
Jigsaw puzzle. You will need to start doing quiet activities, since zombies have great hearing. Puzzles are portable, don’t use any electricity, and are great for decompressing in the evening without attracting attention.
Kitty litter. Your cat is obviously going with you and she’s not going to poop in the street like some DOG.
Label maker. Great for leaving quick, durable notes for your fellow travelers, i.e. “WATCH OUT FOR Z HORDE AT 5TH & OAK–THEY WERE GYMNASTS”
Massage gun. The peacenik substitute for a real gun. It only works at close range, but their skulls should be brittle enough to smash right in!
Nail clippers. Make sure you have a way to cut your fingernails so you don’t resort to biting them. It’s not safe to put your hands in your mouth at any point during a zombie apocalypse.
Oscillating saw. A highly underrated tool. It can get you into a locked building OR kill a charging assailant. It runs on rechargeable batteries! You’d be a fool to leave it behind.
Paper towels. Laundry is not a thing anymore! You will have no choice but to use paper towels, even if you’re a treehugger.
Quantum XG dry fire laser training cartridge system. Target practice begins now! If you wait until the zombies start eating you, you’re going to miss every shot you take.
Rucksack. You live in the road now. Backpacks are for science class. Rucksacks are for cold blooded zombie killers.
Squishmallow. Unless your cat is a major cuddler, you’re going to need an extra source of comfort. Smashing skulls is a guaranteed path to PTSD.
Toolkit. Organize a toolkit with screwdrivers, hinges, wrenches, wire cutters, pliers, rods, and multi-tools to help you prepare for the worst. Make sure your hammers can double as weapons!
Underwear. You will NOT have time to do the wash in the midst of all of traveling and skull smashing you’ll be doing. Bring extras or you’re going to get a yeast infection.
Vegetarian supplements. Most zombies prefer rich red meat. Get all your protein from veggies and stay strong with supplements. Zombies will smell the dank meat stank on your neighbors and eat them first.
Weapons. Knives, pistols, pepper spray, electric shockers, and pointy sticks are sure to help you in your fight against the undead.
X-acto utility knife. Another underrated tool. You can use it to free yourself from duct tape handcuffs if you get caught by opportunistic non-zombies OR slice and dice at close range.
Yeti tumbler. Don’t give up on hydration just because it’s the apocalypse. Self-care is still important, even if you can’t do laundry.
Zombie repellent. Duh.
STOP LAUGHING. Preparedness is no joke. It’s time to take the first step and get prepared… for actual non-zombie disasters. START HERE
